IM BACK!!! :)

Hi girlies! :)
I am sooo sorry I havnt written anything in ages! Ive had had a pretty crazy time since my last entry. Hope you have all been well and staying strong?
I lost ALOT of weight before Christmas, the fast went very badly much I managed to dodge quite a few mealtimes, the end result was 13lbs over two weeks and I fit into a party dress I hadn’t been able to wear for 2 years!
However all the good work has been undone as Christmas hit hard and I made a fatal error in the health store this week :(
So over Christmas my original plan was to eat as little as I could get away with. But my family loaded up my plate and encouraged me to eat so much that I felt as though I was actually going to spontaneously combust! Then came Boxing Day and New Years…the food was never ending!
I got myself back on track and was taking more lax than ever before during January, lost a fair amount but my binging hindered my success. So far in February my weight has stayed constant as I have been working out more (muscle weighs more than fat) and then the health food situation. Basically I went into Holland & Barratt to buy some Whey protein so that when I cut down completely on food I can try and get my body to burn fat and carbs rather than muscle mass.
…unfortunately the guy in the shop gave me Progain instead, which is what body builders use to bulk up and put on weight. MAJOR mean girls moment!
I actually screamed when I realized I had put on weight, you would not believe how much I have bloated up because of it, im feeling so distressed!!!
So I fixed the problem by getting it swapped for whey protein (scrutinized the label this time). One scoop of it mixed with water is 98 calories.
So my NEW plan is:
Breakfast: 30g of special K cereal (178 cals)
Lunch: Apple (66 cals)
Dinner: ½ can of tuna with a little soy sauce (60cals)
Snack after workout: whey protein shake (98 cals)
Total daily intake: 402 calories

But…

Before I do that ‘sensible’ plan, I need a harsh kick start as I promised myself I would lose weight for my birthday, which is in 6 days! I’ve had a series of set backs lately so practically need to starve myself in order to achieve some kind of result. But as I don’t want to completely cut off my digestive system I have decided to load up on apples, iceberg lettuce, celery and tuna (got a thing about getting good skin from fish atm!). I will also be abusing the lax despite the fact I want to stop taking them. But desperate times call for desperate measures!

I know it probably sounds like I’m getting sucked into it all more than ever but I really do want to break this cycle. I am consumed (excuse the pun) by this disorder and will go to any lengths to gain control of this aspect of my life and achieve the impossible with my figure. But I also want to be happy, and to socialize normally with those around me, and most of all to eat a meal without freaking out or purging afterwards.
I know it will be a long process and so I have already taken the first step. I went to the doctor and told him I thought I had depression, I have been referred to a therapist for 8 sessions (one session a fortnight) and I had my first one last night.
It wasn’t how I expected it to be, to be honest I was expecting the stereotypical couch and shrink asking how you feel every 5 minutes haha. But I had a lovely Swedish woman talking to me one on one, everything was confidential and she wanted me to start from the beginning and just…talk! I am allowed to talk about absolutely anything about myself and the people I know and she will analyze me from the things I say.
I talked about my ED but as she isn’t experienced in that field she will refer me to an ED specialist who will then give me treatment or therapy to get me into recovery. Its going to be extremely difficult and a long process but eventually…I think I want that.

But for now my aim is weight loss, weight loss and weight loss!!!