The beginning of the end or end of the beginning?

My fast has been delayed by NINE days now. Have to have yet another meal with my dad and his girlfriend and then tomorrow they are off to Nigeria.

Enough is enough!

From now on I am being completely selfish and doing things MY way for once. I refuse to play by the rules any longer. I have always been rebellious and now here it comes again, fuck you world and fuck you food!

I’m sorry; I’m just in such a bad mood at the moment. Both friends and family have pissed me off lately. And to make matters worse I can’t stop thinking about my ex. Surely I should be waaay over him by now? But I’m seeing him in January so I need to lose weight in time; I want him to see what he’s missing. I have the perfect dress to wear but its 2 sizes too small; I must fit into this in time for meeting him!

My friends are annoying me a bit; one of them doesn’t seem to have time for me anymore and I need them more than ever. And the other is letting their feelings get in the way of the friendship. And my family are just being callous atm.

At least….I am being ignored enough to get on with my plan. I will finally embark on an 8 day water fast and will lose approximately 16lbs by 5^th December.

It’s on.

Sometimes...food REALLY sucks!

Hi Girlies,

Sorry I haven’t written for a few days, I have been really ill :,(

I went out for a meal with my brother, dad and dads girlfriend on Tuesday evening (which thank God was the third and final meal out this week!) and ate as normally as the others. Prepare to be amazed….for starters I had calamari, for main I had grilled salmon with rice and then for DESSERT I had this Oreo cheesecake thing. *heart attack*

Wednesday I woke up and felt literally sick to my stomach, I rarely feel sick so I find it horrible and confusing! I decided to carry on getting ready and go to work as usual but I just got worse as the day went on, in the end I went home early. I was being sick, had a migraine and generally felt weak. The only thing I could put it down to is food poisoning from the calamari or salmon or possibly exhaustion from the long hours I’ve done lately :S

Serves me right for being a pig huh?

I was off ill yesterday as well and even collapsed in the middle of the supermarket when I ventured out for fresh air and supplies. I say collapsed….what I really mean is embarrassingly falling over due to being too weak to hold the basket haha. I literally put some bottles of juice in then went sideways onto the floor *cringe*.

Luckily I am feeling well again today and its FRIDAYYY :D :D :D so its allll good.

I have re-started the fast already. For breakfast I had some melon and a glass of fruit juice, apple as a mid morning snack and a tropical fruit salad for lunch with another glass of juice. Then this evening when I get home I have a childrens snack pack of carrot sticks, those cute baby carrots ^_^.

Munch munch munch, ugh.

Over the weekend I will be juicing in preparation for a gruelling water fast next week :/ I was meant to be detoxing until a week before Christmas so that I could wean myself back onto food in time for the dinner on Christmas day but now a spanner has been thrown into the works as my office is having a Christmas meal on the 16^th of December. I will have to do a very short detox, eat as lightly as possible and then be careful in the run up to Christmas day. If I am not careful my body will either reject the food or I will gain all the weight I would have lost. Godddd!

The best thing for me to do is not get so wound up about this situation and to embrace it, It’s been a while since I had a good challenge and so here goes. Positivity is key; it’s my new thing, try to stay positive and see the good in every bad situation. Otherwise we’re all just gonna feel down…and that’s not cool!

Think happy thoughts and stay strong, love you all <3

Tantrums, binges and issues

By some miracle I have lost another 2lbs!

I had a mega freak out this weekend. My dad told me we were going to my granddads on Sunday and going out for a meal and also a meal on Tuesday as a bon voyage before he goes to Nigeria for three months. THEN my mum told me I have to see my other granddad on Monday to go out for a meal for his birthday.

One side of me is thinking rationally and knows the sentimental value of these meals and being with family, but the ED side of me almost had a heart attack. There is no way of knowing exactly what is in restaurant food!

My mum started shouting at me Saturday and said “you have an eating disorder don’t you? DON’T YOU? To go into frenzy at the thought of eating a meal…you need to go see a doctor, you have issues”

What the fuck?!

She never bothered when I was at my lowest weight and when I plucked up the courage to tell her I was bulimic that time she just acted as though I never told her anything. Why now when I am at pretty much my highest weight does she have a go at me?

Plus, I don’t respond to shouting. If you want to help me, give me advice or get me to do anything…the worst thing you can do is shout. I don’t deal with authority very well; I’m too independent and feisty to listen to raised voices.

How have your loved ones responded to your dietary changes?

Anyways, yesterday a t the restaurant I found the lowest cal meal was a tuna steak with salad and jacket potato. On the menu it said it was under 500 cals (which usually means 499 or 498 lol). It was really boring and dry but at least I didn’t have anything toooo bad. Tonight and tomorrow I will have grilled chicken or fish or a green salad…see what I can get away with!

Then on Wednesday I will be starting the fast all over again, hopefully no obstacles will get in my way until Christmas. It will be easier to dodge eating with my dad away on his trip.

Wednesday I will have raw fruit and veg. Thursday I will have juice and smoothies. Friday I will have just juice. Saturday I will have diluted juice, I am supposed to be going to the pub with my friends but will be having sparkling water or lime and tonic.

So yes the exciting news is that I have reached another weight goal – 156. But I think that it will creep up with all this food, I have found that drinking A LOT of water especially before bed make my tummy flatter the next day…so perhaps I am flushing a lot of it out? :S

Here is the most recent pic of me...I know its gross but I definately noticed I was a tad smaller. I also have loosened up by just under 2 inches on my waist :D

 

I must focus on whats important; pleasing my family and looking ahead at the fast to come. Must be strong and stay positive :)

How is everyone else today, did you have good weekends? xx

I feel so damn unpretty

I am feeling rather strange today; on the one hand I feel really happy because IT’S FRIDAAAAY!!! And on the other hand I feel really low as I broke fast last night and binged. I had a Mars Bar and also this random bean/spaghetti thing. I don’t know what possessed me to do it, maybe just out of habit to eat at that time of night?

I paid the price for it, I took 3 lax after which gave me EPIC stomach pains this morning, I almost doubled over on the train this morning where it hurt so much.

Btw, I got a message yesterday asking which lax I use and wondered why I took so little at a time. I use Dulcolax as its so much stronger than senna based products, trust me, you don’t wanna be taking 20 of these bad boys!!!

I think this morning put me off of using them for a while, the pain was so bad. I’m back on the fast today, instead of started all over and spending a few days preparing with fruit and juice, I just had some melon for breakfast and then straight onto juice and water. I will have diluted apple juice tomorrow then stick to the plan of starting the water fast on Sunday. I really need to get this first 10lbs off as soon as biologically possible!

I started drinking Skinny water again, I love the flavour! It has chromium in which speeds up the metabolism, its gone down in price now to about 99p. You can order in bulk over the internet too :)

This morning I really felt the effects of my long week at work on this diet. And I really bloated out from the binge. Thought I’d share just how gross I am today so that you have something to compare me too when I start shifting more weight.

Here is me looking like the living dead, so not a good pic but just shows how fasting ZAPS your energy! Not to mention make you look pale haha, I need spray tan stat! Gotta love the kermit jumper

And this is my disgusting post-binge, bloated, shapeless body:

Does anyone else go out of control and binge when things get too much? How do you deal with it? x



The saviour that is LAX

And so my darlings my fast is well and truly underway :D

I have one litre (or one quart to the American beauty’s reading =P) of Tesco Apple and Mango juice, its not from concentrate and is 520 cals for the bottle…its a lot for juice, but I will be flushing most of it out and as I didn’t get any sleep last night and the fact its icy cold today, my body will burn most of it off for energy…so its all good ^_^

Can you believe this? I started work at 10am yesterday (I was supposed to start at 8 but the trains were crazy) and didn’t finish until 10.30pm!!!

Let me tell you, London at that time of night is spooky! I didn’t get home from work until midnight! I currently feel like this -à xO

I really noticed the 3lb weight loss this morning, I have a pair of jeggings (stretch pants that look like skinny jeans) and they are usually skin tight and cling to all the lumps and bumps, but this morning they were slightly baggy. Its typical isn’t it, when you want to lose the weight off your belly first, it decides to come off the legs! Well..its a start :)

I really want to go for a power walk tonight but as the weather is crazy I'll have to stick to doing squats and lunges in my room, tone up the ass. I have really let myself go latetly on the exercise front, don't you just hate that feeling when you lose muscle tone and feel a little flabby, ugh its gross.

I think perhaps if the weather calms down next week i will ditch the car and walk to the station, its about 30 mins at a good pace so will be burning about 350cals a day! I will take my pedometer and give you the right stats for that walk.

One of my colleagues tried getting me to eat a chicken and cheese sandwich earlier, in the end she said "come on atleast take just one bite!" So I gave in to shut her up and used one of my old tricks from 2 years ago. I took a bite and started chewing then stopped as if I had swallowed. Then, as I was clutching a mug (I had some green tea beforehand), I pretending to take a sip - subtly spitting out the food into the cup. I made it look so effortless, was so proud of myself haha.

I am feeling so full from this juice! I am so looking forward to Sat/Sun when the water fasting starts, crazy exited - i must be mad! Also, after a couple of days not taking lax i decided to take them again just for today and tomorrow, have had 3 so far and REALLY feeling it this time but it will pass in 2 more hours. After thats all over and done with i will take 2 more just to shed some water weight, then in the morning I will like what I see a teensy bit more and will feel a bit mroe comfortable getting ready for work. I am sick and tired of the whole getting dressed situation! My clothes are either ridiculously small for me or just bleh! My favorite item of clothing at the moment is a blue oversized check shirt...it hides everything!! Thank God its winter, you can cover up! I am hoping to reach my goal weight by January/February so by the time the spring/Summer clothes come out I will hopefully be able to wear them for once!

I really want to get off the lax but think i really need them for a while longer, its what i used to wean myself off of Adderall quite a while ago...and now I need to wean myself off of them too. Maybe I have an addictive personality? Lol

How's everyone else doing? x

3lbs down!

I feel great today. I have lost 3lbs in 2 days, its cold so I’m burning calories shivering, my mum noticed I had lost weight and because the tubes were part suspended today I had to walk for 40 minutes along the bank of the river Thames to get to my office. I wish I had taken my pedometer with me today, I think I must have burnt roughly 250 calories :D

The fast is going quite well so far, I had some porridge this morning as I had zero energy from the walk, I made a cupful with some hot water and added some red berry compote. I wanted to take some lax after but as I had left them at home just downed a load of water. For lunch I had half a carton of tomato soup, I managed to find one in Tesco that DIDN’T have cream in! I have also had a glass of orange juice out of my litre/quart bottle. So far I have had 301 calories, I’m going no higher than 500 today. I have found a new soup in Pret A Manger that’s 148 (celeriac mash), a group of us from the office are going out for lunch and I am dreading it! If I happen to buy the soup I will pour half of it down the sink. But I will try my best to avoid eating it.

I really cannot wait until the end of the week when I start my water fast; the weight is just going to fall off!!! I am a bit anxious over how badly it will affect my mood and energy levels but at the end of the day it’s about the big picture.

I went to the shops this afternoon and had a browse through Topshop and New Look, it distracted me from all the fast food joints, and I’ve seen some amazing skinny jeans…major thinspiration!

The money I would usually spend on lunches has been saved up to a nice amount, so as a treat for losing 3lbs so fast I bought myself some make-up. At least my face can look nice while the rest of my body catches up!

Also, I only created this blog yesterday and already have 28 views and 1 follower, thank you so much for taking the time to read :) <3

Feel free to message me if you fancy a bit of a natter xx

Thinspo

First of all here are 3 pictures of me. The first is me at my lowest weight when i had Ana, it was about 10lbs higher than my GW. The second pic is me at my lowest weight when I had Mia, it was about 12lbs higher than my GW. Aaand finally the third pic is one of the most recent of me...you can tell because I look like the Michelin man...so enormous!

The rest are lovely thinspo pics, I had to put Nicole Richie in there, she is my ultimate thinspo!



The Holy Grail of weight loss methods!

Hey :D so this is my first blog entry!

To give you a brief overview of what’s been going on lately, I have developed my 4^th eating disorder. My first was bulimia, quickly followed by my second which was anorexia, and then my third was binging disorder. I now have ana/mia. I just wanted to record everything and hope to find like-minded people along the way.

After a week of gross binging (lets just say it was well over 1500 cals pd!) I decided to start a fast, in a way it’s a detox for health…but predominantly it’s a sure-fire way to get to my GW!! My goal is 49lbs (3.5 stone) and currently I am 161lbs (11.5 stone) which is absolutely revolting and unnecessary!! I can’t believe I have let it get so out of control but now I am doing something about it, properly this time.

My fast started yesterday but it was disastrous as I went to dads for dinner, it is IMPOSSIBLE to go round there and avoid eating, he is going to Nigeria for 3 months with his girlfriend so I can use the time wisely to lose weight. My mum and brother don’t really moniter what I do or don’t eat, and if they do they just make a comment then leave me to get on with it. They know all about my laxative abuse and yet never intervene. Im lucky in that sense…but I wish they’d care a little more.

Soooo, I had to start the fast again today. I am being quite sensible about it, I am gradually getting myself onto the dreaded water fast by juicing first. Today I had some melon for breakfast, 660ml of Tropicana orange juice (with bits), an innocent veg pot for lunch, 500ml of innocent smoothie and then for dinner I will have another innocent veg pot. Sounds like a lot reading it back! Eww.

Tomorrow I will start on my juice, 1 litre of orange and mango juice and 300g of Covent Garden tomato and red pepper soup. I will try to post daily on this fast as I know that last time I fasted I had strange changes going on and noticeable results from the start :)

Feeling really bloated and gassy at the moment which is making my stomach stick out, its alright though…everyone in my office is used to seeing me looking chubby and bloated...

…time to change that! Wish me luck =D

P.s. I’ll post some thinspo pics on here xx