By some miracle I have lost another 2lbs!
I had a mega freak out this weekend. My dad told me we were going to my granddads on Sunday and going out for a meal and also a meal on Tuesday as a bon voyage before he goes to Nigeria
One side of me is thinking rationally and knows the sentimental value of these meals and being with family, but the ED side of me almost had a heart attack. There is no way of knowing exactly what is in restaurant food!
My mum started shouting at me Saturday and said “you have an eating disorder don’t you? DON’T YOU? To go into frenzy at the thought of eating a meal…you need to go see a doctor, you have issues”
What the fuck?!
She never bothered when I was at my lowest weight and when I plucked up the courage to tell her I was bulimic that time she just acted as though I never told her anything. Why now when I am at pretty much my highest weight does she have a go at me?
Plus, I don’t respond to shouting. If you want to help me, give me advice or get me to do anything…the worst thing you can do is shout. I don’t deal with authority very well; I’m too independent and feisty to listen to raised voices.
How have your loved ones responded to your dietary changes?
Anyways, yesterday a t the restaurant I found the lowest cal meal was a tuna steak with salad and jacket potato. On the menu it said it was under 500 cals (which usually means 499 or 498 lol). It was really boring and dry but at least I didn’t have anything toooo bad. Tonight and tomorrow I will have grilled chicken or fish or a green salad…see what I can get away with!
Then on Wednesday I will be starting the fast all over again, hopefully no obstacles will get in my way until Christmas. It will be easier to dodge eating with my dad away on his trip.
Wednesday I will have raw fruit and veg. Thursday I will have juice and smoothies. Friday I will have just juice. Saturday I will have diluted juice, I am supposed to be going to the pub with my friends but will be having sparkling water or lime and tonic.
So yes the exciting news is that I have reached another weight goal – 156. But I think that it will creep up with all this food, I have found that drinking A LOT of water especially before bed make my tummy flatter the next day…so perhaps I am flushing a lot of it out? :S
Here is the most recent pic of me...I know its gross but I definately noticed I was a tad smaller. I also have loosened up by just under 2 inches on my waist :D
I must focus on whats important; pleasing my family and looking ahead at the fast to come. Must be strong and stay positive :)
How is everyone else today, did you have good weekends? xx
don't be ashamed of your 'ana' reaction to all these meals - i'm sure a lot of us can relate. but i think you're doing the right thing by focusing on your family and doing what's right by them. you'll pick yourself right back up again i'm sure :P and going out to eat could be a good exercise in self-control too: test yourself and see if you can resist the bread and the dessert etc.
ReplyDeletegood luck hun x
p.s. you are beautiful :)
I think I’m more annoyed than ashamed, feels like every time you try to get on with things something comes up. But I’m sure there are people in worse positions, three days isn’t the end of the world. I do feel a lot better now that I’m thinking of the family more, it would really hurt my granddad tonight if I sat there being awkward.
ReplyDeleteI just went on my lunch break from work and walked past all the fast food and cake shops. They smelt so good but I didn’t fancy them at all, I was like “nope, gonna save myself for tonight’s meal” :P
Yeah you’re right, learn to pick nice healthy things off the menu instead of thinking “fuck it I’m going for the burger and chips” or “uugh I’m just gonna pick at a salad” lol.
Thank you so much xx
parents can be so agressive sometimes
ReplyDeletei hate the yells and screams too hun
dont let them get to you
this is your life and you can do what you want with it.
other than all that how was ur weekend?
mine was decent, finally told my bf about my pro ana blog and hes okay with it. for now. he said that when he wants me to stop i need to stop. but why stop what i enjoy? he will deal with it. lol.
I think that they get their feelings mixed up so they end up not knowing how to speak to you properly. They must think that by shouting etc we get that they care but it has opposite effect lol.
ReplyDeleteIve been quite frank with my mum, I told her that I didnt want to eat and was annoyed that she made me, she just ignored me tbh.
Exactly, and people lecture me on harming my body...i am my own person, let me be!
My weekend was really good actually, managed to relax after a stressful week at work. Just watched some movies and tidied my room, nice to get time to yourself huh :). I also got to see the grandparents on my dads side who i hardly see, love that even though Im an adult my grandad still likes to give me and my brother money for sweets haha (although mine goes straight into the bank!)
Well atleast he reacted well to it, has he read through it? Yeah I agree, he can’t just tell you to stop cold turkey, for a start he’s your bf not your boss and also its not as simple as that. Hope everything else is cool with you xx
yea i was supprised he was so calm about the whole thing and no he hasnt read it,
ReplyDeletelol think that might give him a heart attack
haha he knows my past struggles with it
and hes worried but he wants me to be happy lol
and good to hear your weekend was good =]
i love seeing family members i never get to see
its always the best
hope you have funn
love you x0x
Ah well that’s good that he is being supportive of you :)
ReplyDeleteI gave my best friend the link to my blog for some unknown reason lol. She read through it and didn’t really say much except be careful.
They talk as if we are disabling ticking bombs! :P
Yeah especially grandparents, I love old people haha
Ive just started some Christmas shopping, such a good distraction! I get way too excited for wrapping!
Hope your days going well. Love you xx