I dont know if I have mentioned it before but since March I have been in therapy for depression. I have another session tonight and I'm really not looking forward to it. Basically, instead of telling her about what has been getting me down...I have told her all about Ana and Mia...
So she will be refering me to an eating disorder specialist (which i am trying to avoid!!) and 2 weeks ago at our last session she gave me a diet plan to have atleast 2 meals a day. My goal was to carry on with my original plan of losing as much weight with green tea etc as poss but the binging has made me take a million steps backwards! So I am going to go there tonight looking no thinner than last time and having to lie about what I have actually eaten out of shame...defeats object of therapy if im not honest huh lol.
This will be fun.
On Sunday my friend came round and was doing her own verson of therapy...I know she had the best intentions and was only trying to help but it made me feel horrid!
She wanted us to be really girly so we messed around with nail varnish and then she insisted we have a 'fashion show' in my room and go through my clothes trying them on. I have 3 wardrobes. One is for coats and shoes, half of one is for my big clothes I currently squeeze into and the other one and half are full of clothes that are waaaaay too small and of which I am aiming to fit into again. She stripped to her underwear with no problem at all and she is TINY (a UK size 8) and she tried on all my clothes with ease and what was heart breaking was that all the small clothes were baggy on her!!! Then I had the most awkward and cringe-worthy moment of taking my top off infront of her and although I tried to do it when she wasnt looking, she made sure she watched me and started commenting on my figure...she was trying to make me feel good by making positive comments but I could not have felt worse!
THEN she tried on THE DRESS...the one dress that i my goal dress, I have never worn it before and she put it on and was drowning in the material! I felt like a dagger had gone through my heart.
I need to lose all this weight to prove to her that I too can fit into those clothes, I need to get to a size 8, I want to be able to try her clothes on and know that feeling you get when you pull the zipper on a tiny dress right up to the top!!
After all this drama I stupidly showed her my pro-ana scrapbook of thinspo pics....I've let her in too much and now feel VERY vulnerable!
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