I am literally too scared to eat at the moment. The good news is that I couldnt eat even if I tried as I have no money until my pay day which is a week away.
I seem to have lost my emotional attachment to food (at long last!), if ever I was upset I would binge, but lately I just go to my bedroom hungry.
I look at myself and feel physically sick, I just feel so negative right now. What's worse is that Christmas is coming up soon and I am dreading it! All my family will be there with Turkey, potatoes, stuffing, dessert....OMG!
I don't know what I can do apart from stop eating completely, I've lasted 2 days so far on a fast but there's a big part of me that wants to be healthy. Ana is taking full control of my mind.
Does anyone have any advise?? xx
Wednesday 23 November 2011
Tuesday 22 November 2011
Weight Wars: A new hope
I'm back again!! Have not posted in ages because yet again my laptop is busted! WL has been slow but I'm starting to regain control. Am currently finishing a juice fast, and starting a 10 day water fast tomorrow. Already got a huge headache, but that's the price you pay huh.
Hope you girlies are ok, have missed you xxx
Hope you girlies are ok, have missed you xxx
Sunday 8 May 2011
Just a quick update...
I have fallen off the wagon again this weekend, had to go round my dads for a roast dinner and got carried away. Feel really icky, major food baby and everywhere i look there are rolls of flab. I cried infront of mirror this evening. Why cant I just give in to her and STOP stuffing my face?
anyways, new plan for this week is:
Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday
Pitch brioche (137 cals)
Babybel (61cals)
200ml orange juice (76cals)
Why protein shake (100cals)
=374 per day
Thursday and Friday
Babybel (61 cals)
200ml orange juice (76cals)
Whey protein shake (100cals)
= 237 cals
Saturday and Sunday
3 servings of 150ml orange juice
= 171 cals
I am going to try my hardest to stick to this, my goal is to lose 4lbs by Sunday. Wish me luck!
(By the way, the reason im obsessed with OJ at the moment is because I watched this diet show and vitamin C helps the body absorb other minerals and if you lack it you get scurvy LOL)
anyways, new plan for this week is:
Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday
Pitch brioche (137 cals)
Babybel (61cals)
200ml orange juice (76cals)
Why protein shake (100cals)
=374 per day
Thursday and Friday
Babybel (61 cals)
200ml orange juice (76cals)
Whey protein shake (100cals)
= 237 cals
Saturday and Sunday
3 servings of 150ml orange juice
= 171 cals
I am going to try my hardest to stick to this, my goal is to lose 4lbs by Sunday. Wish me luck!
(By the way, the reason im obsessed with OJ at the moment is because I watched this diet show and vitamin C helps the body absorb other minerals and if you lack it you get scurvy LOL)
Friday 6 May 2011
GOAAAALLL!!!
I am SO psyched right now!!! I have reached another goal at last!! 147lbs...still gross and obese but the thing that matters is the scales have gone down!
I have spent way too long in a doomed cycle of binging and purging but now Ana is pushing Mia to the side. I have worked hard all week to keep my intake down low and the Mary-Kate Challenge is really helping to motivate me, I have a points scoreboard on the back of my bedroom door so that everytime im in my room I can see it.
So, in celebration I am going to make things alot harder. Half an hour ago I went to do some food shopping for myself, I came home with only 1 litre of Orange Juice. It is 38 calories for 100ml, if I have 100ml per mealtime then I will have 114 cals per day for 3 days. Also I will have 1 whey protein shake per day which is 100 cals per serving. So 214 calories for 3 days...I think that is rather achievable :) xxx
I have spent way too long in a doomed cycle of binging and purging but now Ana is pushing Mia to the side. I have worked hard all week to keep my intake down low and the Mary-Kate Challenge is really helping to motivate me, I have a points scoreboard on the back of my bedroom door so that everytime im in my room I can see it.
So, in celebration I am going to make things alot harder. Half an hour ago I went to do some food shopping for myself, I came home with only 1 litre of Orange Juice. It is 38 calories for 100ml, if I have 100ml per mealtime then I will have 114 cals per day for 3 days. Also I will have 1 whey protein shake per day which is 100 cals per serving. So 214 calories for 3 days...I think that is rather achievable :) xxx
Wednesday 4 May 2011
The Mary-Kate Challenge
So my therapy went fairly well yesterday, I have 4 more sessions left. In all honesty I just want them over and done with, I feel like I can do fine without them...thank god the NHS only give you 8 at a time.
Anyways, I don't know if this is a recent thing or not as I have been away from the computer so much lately, but there's a new plan going around that started on Xanga but got taken off and off of a few other site too (apparently its unsuitable content but I think its pretty harmless!). It's called the Mary-Kate Challenge, named after Mary-Kate Olsen who struggled/struggles with Ana. I read up on it at the beginning of this week and started it yesterday. Here is is the plan:
You get points for certain things and add up the points at end of each day, my goal is to get atleast 30 points per day.
Anyways, I don't know if this is a recent thing or not as I have been away from the computer so much lately, but there's a new plan going around that started on Xanga but got taken off and off of a few other site too (apparently its unsuitable content but I think its pretty harmless!). It's called the Mary-Kate Challenge, named after Mary-Kate Olsen who struggled/struggles with Ana. I read up on it at the beginning of this week and started it yesterday. Here is is the plan:
You get points for certain things and add up the points at end of each day, my goal is to get atleast 30 points per day.
calorie intake 0-200 = 10 points 201-350 = 8 points 351-500 = 5 points 501-600 = 3 points 601-750 = 1 point over 750 = 0 points exercise none = 0 points 15-30 minutes = 1 point 31-45 minutes = 3 points 46- 1 hour = 4 points 1 1/2 hour = 6 point 2 hours = 8 points 2 1/2 hours = 9 points 3 or more hours = 10 points water intake 0 glasses = 0 points 1 glasses = 1 point 2 glasses = 2 points 3 glasses = 3 points 4 glasses = 4 points 5 glasses = 6 points 6 glasses = 7 points 7 glasses = 8 points 8 glasses = 9 points 9 glasses or more= 10 points sleeping hours 8 or more hours = 10 points 7 hours = 8 points 6 hours = 7 points 5 hours = 5 points 4 hours = 4 points 3 hours = 2 points 2 hours or less = 0 points bonus points updating yourblog = 3 points no binging = 2 points supporting others = 3 points posting thinspiration = 2 points Yesterday I got 27 points but im going to stay positive as it is only my first day on it :P. If any of you lovelies would like to do this with me, comment your daily points onto my blog or something :) xx (its a good way for me to make sure i drink enough water!)  |
Tuesday 3 May 2011
Therapy
I dont know if I have mentioned it before but since March I have been in therapy for depression. I have another session tonight and I'm really not looking forward to it. Basically, instead of telling her about what has been getting me down...I have told her all about Ana and Mia...
So she will be refering me to an eating disorder specialist (which i am trying to avoid!!) and 2 weeks ago at our last session she gave me a diet plan to have atleast 2 meals a day. My goal was to carry on with my original plan of losing as much weight with green tea etc as poss but the binging has made me take a million steps backwards! So I am going to go there tonight looking no thinner than last time and having to lie about what I have actually eaten out of shame...defeats object of therapy if im not honest huh lol.
This will be fun.
On Sunday my friend came round and was doing her own verson of therapy...I know she had the best intentions and was only trying to help but it made me feel horrid!
She wanted us to be really girly so we messed around with nail varnish and then she insisted we have a 'fashion show' in my room and go through my clothes trying them on. I have 3 wardrobes. One is for coats and shoes, half of one is for my big clothes I currently squeeze into and the other one and half are full of clothes that are waaaaay too small and of which I am aiming to fit into again. She stripped to her underwear with no problem at all and she is TINY (a UK size 8) and she tried on all my clothes with ease and what was heart breaking was that all the small clothes were baggy on her!!! Then I had the most awkward and cringe-worthy moment of taking my top off infront of her and although I tried to do it when she wasnt looking, she made sure she watched me and started commenting on my figure...she was trying to make me feel good by making positive comments but I could not have felt worse!
THEN she tried on THE DRESS...the one dress that i my goal dress, I have never worn it before and she put it on and was drowning in the material! I felt like a dagger had gone through my heart.
I need to lose all this weight to prove to her that I too can fit into those clothes, I need to get to a size 8, I want to be able to try her clothes on and know that feeling you get when you pull the zipper on a tiny dress right up to the top!!
After all this drama I stupidly showed her my pro-ana scrapbook of thinspo pics....I've let her in too much and now feel VERY vulnerable!
So she will be refering me to an eating disorder specialist (which i am trying to avoid!!) and 2 weeks ago at our last session she gave me a diet plan to have atleast 2 meals a day. My goal was to carry on with my original plan of losing as much weight with green tea etc as poss but the binging has made me take a million steps backwards! So I am going to go there tonight looking no thinner than last time and having to lie about what I have actually eaten out of shame...defeats object of therapy if im not honest huh lol.
This will be fun.
On Sunday my friend came round and was doing her own verson of therapy...I know she had the best intentions and was only trying to help but it made me feel horrid!
She wanted us to be really girly so we messed around with nail varnish and then she insisted we have a 'fashion show' in my room and go through my clothes trying them on. I have 3 wardrobes. One is for coats and shoes, half of one is for my big clothes I currently squeeze into and the other one and half are full of clothes that are waaaaay too small and of which I am aiming to fit into again. She stripped to her underwear with no problem at all and she is TINY (a UK size 8) and she tried on all my clothes with ease and what was heart breaking was that all the small clothes were baggy on her!!! Then I had the most awkward and cringe-worthy moment of taking my top off infront of her and although I tried to do it when she wasnt looking, she made sure she watched me and started commenting on my figure...she was trying to make me feel good by making positive comments but I could not have felt worse!
THEN she tried on THE DRESS...the one dress that i my goal dress, I have never worn it before and she put it on and was drowning in the material! I felt like a dagger had gone through my heart.
I need to lose all this weight to prove to her that I too can fit into those clothes, I need to get to a size 8, I want to be able to try her clothes on and know that feeling you get when you pull the zipper on a tiny dress right up to the top!!
After all this drama I stupidly showed her my pro-ana scrapbook of thinspo pics....I've let her in too much and now feel VERY vulnerable!
Wednesday 27 April 2011
OMFG!!!!
Okay, the lack of computer is really starting to get to me!! I unfortuntely lost my job 2 weeks ago and so whilst my brther is at college I can use his laptop :). I am so sorry for how long I have been away, I doubt anyone would have noticed to be honest as its been so long! lol.
SO....Easter came and went, I hope you were all alot stronger than me. I am welling up as I write this as I am in so much pain right now. Since i lost the job I have been feeling really down about not having money etc, and my mum had bought so much food that literlly everyday turned into a binge, I was hideously uncontrollable, it was asthough Mia was seeking revenge on Ana for all her hard work at keeping my weiht down. Then Easter came, I have never consumed so much chocolate in all my life, it was sickening, please dont judge me too much, i know i should be ashamed of myself! The reason I am in pain is because, firstly it is summer now...the days are getting hot and I cant fit into any of my clothes from last summer, I hate the thought of getting my flesh on display. I went to a theme park last weekend in jeans and a tshirt and it was a really sunny day, there were pretty and THIN girls everywhere i turned, they were all in shorts and crop tops and then there was me, frumpy and fat.
The second reason i am in pain is because I have taking 7 laxatives in a bid to punish myself for all the binges. ive had a few realeases already but the pains should have stopped 4 hours ago!! Serves me right I guess for being a pig.
Right now I have 2 things to worry about. First of all I only have a couple of days until I see my boyfriend again, I need to be thinner by then or else neither he or I will think i am the least bit attractive. Secondly, I am going on holiday in 10 days...enough said.
So I have devised a quick fix plan which I am really hoping will work. I am having 2 diet shakes tomorrow and 1 whey protein shake. the next day will be 1 litre of orange juice and the next 8 days I shall be water fasting and also drinking green tea. What do you think?
Sorry about the way I have written this, I'm just panicking so much right now. Love you all and hope you are all very well xxxx
SO....Easter came and went, I hope you were all alot stronger than me. I am welling up as I write this as I am in so much pain right now. Since i lost the job I have been feeling really down about not having money etc, and my mum had bought so much food that literlly everyday turned into a binge, I was hideously uncontrollable, it was asthough Mia was seeking revenge on Ana for all her hard work at keeping my weiht down. Then Easter came, I have never consumed so much chocolate in all my life, it was sickening, please dont judge me too much, i know i should be ashamed of myself! The reason I am in pain is because, firstly it is summer now...the days are getting hot and I cant fit into any of my clothes from last summer, I hate the thought of getting my flesh on display. I went to a theme park last weekend in jeans and a tshirt and it was a really sunny day, there were pretty and THIN girls everywhere i turned, they were all in shorts and crop tops and then there was me, frumpy and fat.
The second reason i am in pain is because I have taking 7 laxatives in a bid to punish myself for all the binges. ive had a few realeases already but the pains should have stopped 4 hours ago!! Serves me right I guess for being a pig.
Right now I have 2 things to worry about. First of all I only have a couple of days until I see my boyfriend again, I need to be thinner by then or else neither he or I will think i am the least bit attractive. Secondly, I am going on holiday in 10 days...enough said.
So I have devised a quick fix plan which I am really hoping will work. I am having 2 diet shakes tomorrow and 1 whey protein shake. the next day will be 1 litre of orange juice and the next 8 days I shall be water fasting and also drinking green tea. What do you think?
Sorry about the way I have written this, I'm just panicking so much right now. Love you all and hope you are all very well xxxx
Thursday 24 February 2011
Ode to a calorie
Today is a good day, despite feeling weak.
I have taken 7 doses of lax within the past 24 hours which has made my stomach a little flatter…without getting too graphic, I am literally empty! Haha.
I had a small apple this morning and have been sipping on water for the rest of the morning. Getting quite weak and hungry now that its lunchtime and I can smell the curry my colleague is cooking in the office kitchen, I can almost taste it!
I don’t want to get any lunch as I have a date on Saturday and will be going to my Aunts birthday party straight after it, so I want my stomach to look as flat as I can possibly manage within 2 days. But you know what, I might go and get some soup from Pret. Today they are doing chicken and mushroom which is 269 calories which would make my calorie intake 335 in total. Then just under 400 if I have something when I get home tonight, but I might not bother. So 335 is good right? :)
How are all of you? Hope you are all having good days too.
Much love xx
I have taken 7 doses of lax within the past 24 hours which has made my stomach a little flatter…without getting too graphic, I am literally empty! Haha.
I had a small apple this morning and have been sipping on water for the rest of the morning. Getting quite weak and hungry now that its lunchtime and I can smell the curry my colleague is cooking in the office kitchen, I can almost taste it!
I don’t want to get any lunch as I have a date on Saturday and will be going to my Aunts birthday party straight after it, so I want my stomach to look as flat as I can possibly manage within 2 days. But you know what, I might go and get some soup from Pret. Today they are doing chicken and mushroom which is 269 calories which would make my calorie intake 335 in total. Then just under 400 if I have something when I get home tonight, but I might not bother. So 335 is good right? :)
How are all of you? Hope you are all having good days too.
Much love xx
Wednesday 23 February 2011
IM BACK!!! :)
Hi girlies! :)
I am sooo sorry I havnt written anything in ages! Ive had had a pretty crazy time since my last entry. Hope you have all been well and staying strong?
I lost ALOT of weight before Christmas, the fast went very badly much I managed to dodge quite a few mealtimes, the end result was 13lbs over two weeks and I fit into a party dress I hadn’t been able to wear for 2 years!
However all the good work has been undone as Christmas hit hard and I made a fatal error in the health store this week :(
So over Christmas my original plan was to eat as little as I could get away with. But my family loaded up my plate and encouraged me to eat so much that I felt as though I was actually going to spontaneously combust! Then came Boxing Day and New Years…the food was never ending!
I got myself back on track and was taking more lax than ever before during January, lost a fair amount but my binging hindered my success. So far in February my weight has stayed constant as I have been working out more (muscle weighs more than fat) and then the health food situation. Basically I went into Holland & Barratt to buy some Whey protein so that when I cut down completely on food I can try and get my body to burn fat and carbs rather than muscle mass.
…unfortunately the guy in the shop gave me Progain instead, which is what body builders use to bulk up and put on weight. MAJOR mean girls moment!
I actually screamed when I realized I had put on weight, you would not believe how much I have bloated up because of it, im feeling so distressed!!!
So I fixed the problem by getting it swapped for whey protein (scrutinized the label this time). One scoop of it mixed with water is 98 calories.
So my NEW plan is:
Breakfast: 30g of special K cereal (178 cals)
Lunch: Apple (66 cals)
Dinner: ½ can of tuna with a little soy sauce (60cals)
Snack after workout: whey protein shake (98 cals)
Total daily intake: 402 calories
But…
Before I do that ‘sensible’ plan, I need a harsh kick start as I promised myself I would lose weight for my birthday, which is in 6 days! I’ve had a series of set backs lately so practically need to starve myself in order to achieve some kind of result. But as I don’t want to completely cut off my digestive system I have decided to load up on apples, iceberg lettuce, celery and tuna (got a thing about getting good skin from fish atm!). I will also be abusing the lax despite the fact I want to stop taking them. But desperate times call for desperate measures!
I know it probably sounds like I’m getting sucked into it all more than ever but I really do want to break this cycle. I am consumed (excuse the pun) by this disorder and will go to any lengths to gain control of this aspect of my life and achieve the impossible with my figure. But I also want to be happy, and to socialize normally with those around me, and most of all to eat a meal without freaking out or purging afterwards.
I know it will be a long process and so I have already taken the first step. I went to the doctor and told him I thought I had depression, I have been referred to a therapist for 8 sessions (one session a fortnight) and I had my first one last night.
It wasn’t how I expected it to be, to be honest I was expecting the stereotypical couch and shrink asking how you feel every 5 minutes haha. But I had a lovely Swedish woman talking to me one on one, everything was confidential and she wanted me to start from the beginning and just…talk! I am allowed to talk about absolutely anything about myself and the people I know and she will analyze me from the things I say.
I talked about my ED but as she isn’t experienced in that field she will refer me to an ED specialist who will then give me treatment or therapy to get me into recovery. Its going to be extremely difficult and a long process but eventually…I think I want that.
But for now my aim is weight loss, weight loss and weight loss!!!
I am sooo sorry I havnt written anything in ages! Ive had had a pretty crazy time since my last entry. Hope you have all been well and staying strong?
I lost ALOT of weight before Christmas, the fast went very badly much I managed to dodge quite a few mealtimes, the end result was 13lbs over two weeks and I fit into a party dress I hadn’t been able to wear for 2 years!
However all the good work has been undone as Christmas hit hard and I made a fatal error in the health store this week :(
So over Christmas my original plan was to eat as little as I could get away with. But my family loaded up my plate and encouraged me to eat so much that I felt as though I was actually going to spontaneously combust! Then came Boxing Day and New Years…the food was never ending!
I got myself back on track and was taking more lax than ever before during January, lost a fair amount but my binging hindered my success. So far in February my weight has stayed constant as I have been working out more (muscle weighs more than fat) and then the health food situation. Basically I went into Holland & Barratt to buy some Whey protein so that when I cut down completely on food I can try and get my body to burn fat and carbs rather than muscle mass.
…unfortunately the guy in the shop gave me Progain instead, which is what body builders use to bulk up and put on weight. MAJOR mean girls moment!
I actually screamed when I realized I had put on weight, you would not believe how much I have bloated up because of it, im feeling so distressed!!!
So I fixed the problem by getting it swapped for whey protein (scrutinized the label this time). One scoop of it mixed with water is 98 calories.
So my NEW plan is:
Breakfast: 30g of special K cereal (178 cals)
Lunch: Apple (66 cals)
Dinner: ½ can of tuna with a little soy sauce (60cals)
Snack after workout: whey protein shake (98 cals)
Total daily intake: 402 calories
But…
Before I do that ‘sensible’ plan, I need a harsh kick start as I promised myself I would lose weight for my birthday, which is in 6 days! I’ve had a series of set backs lately so practically need to starve myself in order to achieve some kind of result. But as I don’t want to completely cut off my digestive system I have decided to load up on apples, iceberg lettuce, celery and tuna (got a thing about getting good skin from fish atm!). I will also be abusing the lax despite the fact I want to stop taking them. But desperate times call for desperate measures!
I know it probably sounds like I’m getting sucked into it all more than ever but I really do want to break this cycle. I am consumed (excuse the pun) by this disorder and will go to any lengths to gain control of this aspect of my life and achieve the impossible with my figure. But I also want to be happy, and to socialize normally with those around me, and most of all to eat a meal without freaking out or purging afterwards.
I know it will be a long process and so I have already taken the first step. I went to the doctor and told him I thought I had depression, I have been referred to a therapist for 8 sessions (one session a fortnight) and I had my first one last night.
It wasn’t how I expected it to be, to be honest I was expecting the stereotypical couch and shrink asking how you feel every 5 minutes haha. But I had a lovely Swedish woman talking to me one on one, everything was confidential and she wanted me to start from the beginning and just…talk! I am allowed to talk about absolutely anything about myself and the people I know and she will analyze me from the things I say.
I talked about my ED but as she isn’t experienced in that field she will refer me to an ED specialist who will then give me treatment or therapy to get me into recovery. Its going to be extremely difficult and a long process but eventually…I think I want that.
But for now my aim is weight loss, weight loss and weight loss!!!
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