Ok so it's that time of year again, lent! This time of year is a god send for getting away with not eating certain foods and having a perfect excuse to let the fam know why :)
For anyone who isn't sure, it starts today (22nd Feb) and ends 5th April.
I went to my local shopping centre today to buy a new suit as I have a job interview tomorrow, wish me luck! :)
Before I went home I went to the health food store and bought some detox cordial and some beetroot juice for me to fast on and also bought some pomegranate juice from the supermarket. The beetroot juice isn't too bad, bit acidic so will only have in small amounts.
I will have two 100ml of each juice per day for the next week, then after the weeks up I'm not sure what to do...
I'm quite excited :D I've already started and it's filling me up and tasting yummy :))
Xxx
Wednesday, 22 February 2012
Sunday, 19 February 2012
I AM MORTIFIED!!!!
I am livid.
I had a big Christmas, it's is literally so impossible to not eat properly infrint of my family at big get togethers. I also left my lax at home (we were staying at my nans) and there is no lock on her bathroom door,also I had to share a room with my mum so couldn't do any crunches, push ups or anything. I put on like, 5lbs!!!
Then during January the weather had been awful and for the most part I had injured my ankle so really between Christmas and now i have been a complete and utter failure.
This weekend was the worst. I went to my nans again on Saturday, I was looking forward to meeting my mum there as I don't live with her anymore. Mum picked me up and during the hours drive to nans she stopped off at McDonalds, her boyfriend insisted he was going to buy the meals. The healthiest thing I could see on the menu was a sweet chilli chicken wrap fir 285 calories.
Later in the evening my nan had laid out a buffet; sausage plait, salad, ham, garlic bread, potato dauphinois...
I had a small amount of each and then filled up on cherry tomatoes. Then she served an unexpected desert of apple crumble. I said no thank you as I'm trying to cut down and she said "nonsense your diet can start tomorrow". I woke up the next day still feeling full and felt sick!
Then she plonked a fried breakfast infront of me, oh god!
Anyways I weight myself when I got home and to my horror have BALLOONED to 150!!!!!!
I freaked out, I mean really freaked out, for the first time in ages. I took 5 lax and have been formulating a way to carry on with my plan of losing 10lbs by the end of the month :)
I have a few cans of weight watchers soup in the cupboard; chicken, Leek and potatoe is 95cals per can.
I will have 2 cans a day for the next week a d then will fast for the last 3 days. I worked out that I should lose albs on the fast and hopefully around 5 on the soup.
Wish me luck Girlies,
Your ridiculously huge and binging friend
I had a big Christmas, it's is literally so impossible to not eat properly infrint of my family at big get togethers. I also left my lax at home (we were staying at my nans) and there is no lock on her bathroom door,also I had to share a room with my mum so couldn't do any crunches, push ups or anything. I put on like, 5lbs!!!
Then during January the weather had been awful and for the most part I had injured my ankle so really between Christmas and now i have been a complete and utter failure.
This weekend was the worst. I went to my nans again on Saturday, I was looking forward to meeting my mum there as I don't live with her anymore. Mum picked me up and during the hours drive to nans she stopped off at McDonalds, her boyfriend insisted he was going to buy the meals. The healthiest thing I could see on the menu was a sweet chilli chicken wrap fir 285 calories.
Later in the evening my nan had laid out a buffet; sausage plait, salad, ham, garlic bread, potato dauphinois...
I had a small amount of each and then filled up on cherry tomatoes. Then she served an unexpected desert of apple crumble. I said no thank you as I'm trying to cut down and she said "nonsense your diet can start tomorrow". I woke up the next day still feeling full and felt sick!
Then she plonked a fried breakfast infront of me, oh god!
Anyways I weight myself when I got home and to my horror have BALLOONED to 150!!!!!!
I freaked out, I mean really freaked out, for the first time in ages. I took 5 lax and have been formulating a way to carry on with my plan of losing 10lbs by the end of the month :)
I have a few cans of weight watchers soup in the cupboard; chicken, Leek and potatoe is 95cals per can.
I will have 2 cans a day for the next week a d then will fast for the last 3 days. I worked out that I should lose albs on the fast and hopefully around 5 on the soup.
Wish me luck Girlies,
Your ridiculously huge and binging friend
Thursday, 16 February 2012
New year, new start
Wow, another rough period of not being able to come on here and post! I have some awful news girls, someone hacked into my email account and posted s link to this blog on twitter!!! So please make sure you all keep an eye on your accounts and change passwords around to be safe!
Basically my aunt was on Twitter (I've deleted account on there now) and she read EVERY post on here and about all the lax! Part of me was really relieved that someone knew but when she called me round to her house last weekend to talk about it I was terrified, like literally shaking! I went there and spoke a little about it but it's the same old story when people don't understand, she said I should just stop and be positive as there are people worse off than me in the world. No disrespect to her as I know she was looking out for me and trying to make things better but it's not that simple is it? No one seems to understand how we feel and what we think, it's like, sometimes there's s dark cloud around my head. When I lose weight I feel successful, ethereal, normal. When I purge with mh lax I feel like I appropriately punish myself for binging. Nothing is ever simple.
If anything, this incident has spurred me on. I have deleted all accounts online that I don't need so I have more privacy and can focus on my goals.
My aim is to lose 10lbs by the 29th Feb :)
I will keep you all updated with my progress and food diary's.
In other news...I've started talking to a guy who I actually think I like. I went to college with him and we got back in touch lately online, to be honest, I get the impression he has had an ED too. I could be wrong but it could be quite a big thing if he does and if it were to go anywhere. He's really lovely :) I'm going to be meeting up with him soon to catch up so I need to lose that 10lbs fast!!!
How are you all? I'm sorry I've left it so long again, love you all xxx
Basically my aunt was on Twitter (I've deleted account on there now) and she read EVERY post on here and about all the lax! Part of me was really relieved that someone knew but when she called me round to her house last weekend to talk about it I was terrified, like literally shaking! I went there and spoke a little about it but it's the same old story when people don't understand, she said I should just stop and be positive as there are people worse off than me in the world. No disrespect to her as I know she was looking out for me and trying to make things better but it's not that simple is it? No one seems to understand how we feel and what we think, it's like, sometimes there's s dark cloud around my head. When I lose weight I feel successful, ethereal, normal. When I purge with mh lax I feel like I appropriately punish myself for binging. Nothing is ever simple.
If anything, this incident has spurred me on. I have deleted all accounts online that I don't need so I have more privacy and can focus on my goals.
My aim is to lose 10lbs by the 29th Feb :)
I will keep you all updated with my progress and food diary's.
In other news...I've started talking to a guy who I actually think I like. I went to college with him and we got back in touch lately online, to be honest, I get the impression he has had an ED too. I could be wrong but it could be quite a big thing if he does and if it were to go anywhere. He's really lovely :) I'm going to be meeting up with him soon to catch up so I need to lose that 10lbs fast!!!
How are you all? I'm sorry I've left it so long again, love you all xxx
Wednesday, 23 November 2011
I am literally too scared to eat at the moment. The good news is that I couldnt eat even if I tried as I have no money until my pay day which is a week away.
I seem to have lost my emotional attachment to food (at long last!), if ever I was upset I would binge, but lately I just go to my bedroom hungry.
I look at myself and feel physically sick, I just feel so negative right now. What's worse is that Christmas is coming up soon and I am dreading it! All my family will be there with Turkey, potatoes, stuffing, dessert....OMG!
I don't know what I can do apart from stop eating completely, I've lasted 2 days so far on a fast but there's a big part of me that wants to be healthy. Ana is taking full control of my mind.
Does anyone have any advise?? xx
I seem to have lost my emotional attachment to food (at long last!), if ever I was upset I would binge, but lately I just go to my bedroom hungry.
I look at myself and feel physically sick, I just feel so negative right now. What's worse is that Christmas is coming up soon and I am dreading it! All my family will be there with Turkey, potatoes, stuffing, dessert....OMG!
I don't know what I can do apart from stop eating completely, I've lasted 2 days so far on a fast but there's a big part of me that wants to be healthy. Ana is taking full control of my mind.
Does anyone have any advise?? xx
Tuesday, 22 November 2011
Weight Wars: A new hope
I'm back again!! Have not posted in ages because yet again my laptop is busted! WL has been slow but I'm starting to regain control. Am currently finishing a juice fast, and starting a 10 day water fast tomorrow. Already got a huge headache, but that's the price you pay huh.
Hope you girlies are ok, have missed you xxx
Hope you girlies are ok, have missed you xxx
Sunday, 8 May 2011
Just a quick update...
I have fallen off the wagon again this weekend, had to go round my dads for a roast dinner and got carried away. Feel really icky, major food baby and everywhere i look there are rolls of flab. I cried infront of mirror this evening. Why cant I just give in to her and STOP stuffing my face?
anyways, new plan for this week is:
Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday
Pitch brioche (137 cals)
Babybel (61cals)
200ml orange juice (76cals)
Why protein shake (100cals)
=374 per day
Thursday and Friday
Babybel (61 cals)
200ml orange juice (76cals)
Whey protein shake (100cals)
= 237 cals
Saturday and Sunday
3 servings of 150ml orange juice
= 171 cals
I am going to try my hardest to stick to this, my goal is to lose 4lbs by Sunday. Wish me luck!
(By the way, the reason im obsessed with OJ at the moment is because I watched this diet show and vitamin C helps the body absorb other minerals and if you lack it you get scurvy LOL)
anyways, new plan for this week is:
Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday
Pitch brioche (137 cals)
Babybel (61cals)
200ml orange juice (76cals)
Why protein shake (100cals)
=374 per day
Thursday and Friday
Babybel (61 cals)
200ml orange juice (76cals)
Whey protein shake (100cals)
= 237 cals
Saturday and Sunday
3 servings of 150ml orange juice
= 171 cals
I am going to try my hardest to stick to this, my goal is to lose 4lbs by Sunday. Wish me luck!
(By the way, the reason im obsessed with OJ at the moment is because I watched this diet show and vitamin C helps the body absorb other minerals and if you lack it you get scurvy LOL)
Friday, 6 May 2011
GOAAAALLL!!!
I am SO psyched right now!!! I have reached another goal at last!! 147lbs...still gross and obese but the thing that matters is the scales have gone down!
I have spent way too long in a doomed cycle of binging and purging but now Ana is pushing Mia to the side. I have worked hard all week to keep my intake down low and the Mary-Kate Challenge is really helping to motivate me, I have a points scoreboard on the back of my bedroom door so that everytime im in my room I can see it.
So, in celebration I am going to make things alot harder. Half an hour ago I went to do some food shopping for myself, I came home with only 1 litre of Orange Juice. It is 38 calories for 100ml, if I have 100ml per mealtime then I will have 114 cals per day for 3 days. Also I will have 1 whey protein shake per day which is 100 cals per serving. So 214 calories for 3 days...I think that is rather achievable :) xxx
I have spent way too long in a doomed cycle of binging and purging but now Ana is pushing Mia to the side. I have worked hard all week to keep my intake down low and the Mary-Kate Challenge is really helping to motivate me, I have a points scoreboard on the back of my bedroom door so that everytime im in my room I can see it.
So, in celebration I am going to make things alot harder. Half an hour ago I went to do some food shopping for myself, I came home with only 1 litre of Orange Juice. It is 38 calories for 100ml, if I have 100ml per mealtime then I will have 114 cals per day for 3 days. Also I will have 1 whey protein shake per day which is 100 cals per serving. So 214 calories for 3 days...I think that is rather achievable :) xxx
Wednesday, 4 May 2011
The Mary-Kate Challenge
So my therapy went fairly well yesterday, I have 4 more sessions left. In all honesty I just want them over and done with, I feel like I can do fine without them...thank god the NHS only give you 8 at a time.
Anyways, I don't know if this is a recent thing or not as I have been away from the computer so much lately, but there's a new plan going around that started on Xanga but got taken off and off of a few other site too (apparently its unsuitable content but I think its pretty harmless!). It's called the Mary-Kate Challenge, named after Mary-Kate Olsen who struggled/struggles with Ana. I read up on it at the beginning of this week and started it yesterday. Here is is the plan:
You get points for certain things and add up the points at end of each day, my goal is to get atleast 30 points per day.
Anyways, I don't know if this is a recent thing or not as I have been away from the computer so much lately, but there's a new plan going around that started on Xanga but got taken off and off of a few other site too (apparently its unsuitable content but I think its pretty harmless!). It's called the Mary-Kate Challenge, named after Mary-Kate Olsen who struggled/struggles with Ana. I read up on it at the beginning of this week and started it yesterday. Here is is the plan:
You get points for certain things and add up the points at end of each day, my goal is to get atleast 30 points per day.
calorie intake 0-200 = 10 points 201-350 = 8 points 351-500 = 5 points 501-600 = 3 points 601-750 = 1 point over 750 = 0 points exercise none = 0 points 15-30 minutes = 1 point 31-45 minutes = 3 points 46- 1 hour = 4 points 1 1/2 hour = 6 point 2 hours = 8 points 2 1/2 hours = 9 points 3 or more hours = 10 points water intake 0 glasses = 0 points 1 glasses = 1 point 2 glasses = 2 points 3 glasses = 3 points 4 glasses = 4 points 5 glasses = 6 points 6 glasses = 7 points 7 glasses = 8 points 8 glasses = 9 points 9 glasses or more= 10 points sleeping hours 8 or more hours = 10 points 7 hours = 8 points 6 hours = 7 points 5 hours = 5 points 4 hours = 4 points 3 hours = 2 points 2 hours or less = 0 points bonus points updating yourblog = 3 points no binging = 2 points supporting others = 3 points posting thinspiration = 2 points Yesterday I got 27 points but im going to stay positive as it is only my first day on it :P. If any of you lovelies would like to do this with me, comment your daily points onto my blog or something :) xx (its a good way for me to make sure i drink enough water!)  |
Tuesday, 3 May 2011
Therapy
I dont know if I have mentioned it before but since March I have been in therapy for depression. I have another session tonight and I'm really not looking forward to it. Basically, instead of telling her about what has been getting me down...I have told her all about Ana and Mia...
So she will be refering me to an eating disorder specialist (which i am trying to avoid!!) and 2 weeks ago at our last session she gave me a diet plan to have atleast 2 meals a day. My goal was to carry on with my original plan of losing as much weight with green tea etc as poss but the binging has made me take a million steps backwards! So I am going to go there tonight looking no thinner than last time and having to lie about what I have actually eaten out of shame...defeats object of therapy if im not honest huh lol.
This will be fun.
On Sunday my friend came round and was doing her own verson of therapy...I know she had the best intentions and was only trying to help but it made me feel horrid!
She wanted us to be really girly so we messed around with nail varnish and then she insisted we have a 'fashion show' in my room and go through my clothes trying them on. I have 3 wardrobes. One is for coats and shoes, half of one is for my big clothes I currently squeeze into and the other one and half are full of clothes that are waaaaay too small and of which I am aiming to fit into again. She stripped to her underwear with no problem at all and she is TINY (a UK size 8) and she tried on all my clothes with ease and what was heart breaking was that all the small clothes were baggy on her!!! Then I had the most awkward and cringe-worthy moment of taking my top off infront of her and although I tried to do it when she wasnt looking, she made sure she watched me and started commenting on my figure...she was trying to make me feel good by making positive comments but I could not have felt worse!
THEN she tried on THE DRESS...the one dress that i my goal dress, I have never worn it before and she put it on and was drowning in the material! I felt like a dagger had gone through my heart.
I need to lose all this weight to prove to her that I too can fit into those clothes, I need to get to a size 8, I want to be able to try her clothes on and know that feeling you get when you pull the zipper on a tiny dress right up to the top!!
After all this drama I stupidly showed her my pro-ana scrapbook of thinspo pics....I've let her in too much and now feel VERY vulnerable!
So she will be refering me to an eating disorder specialist (which i am trying to avoid!!) and 2 weeks ago at our last session she gave me a diet plan to have atleast 2 meals a day. My goal was to carry on with my original plan of losing as much weight with green tea etc as poss but the binging has made me take a million steps backwards! So I am going to go there tonight looking no thinner than last time and having to lie about what I have actually eaten out of shame...defeats object of therapy if im not honest huh lol.
This will be fun.
On Sunday my friend came round and was doing her own verson of therapy...I know she had the best intentions and was only trying to help but it made me feel horrid!
She wanted us to be really girly so we messed around with nail varnish and then she insisted we have a 'fashion show' in my room and go through my clothes trying them on. I have 3 wardrobes. One is for coats and shoes, half of one is for my big clothes I currently squeeze into and the other one and half are full of clothes that are waaaaay too small and of which I am aiming to fit into again. She stripped to her underwear with no problem at all and she is TINY (a UK size 8) and she tried on all my clothes with ease and what was heart breaking was that all the small clothes were baggy on her!!! Then I had the most awkward and cringe-worthy moment of taking my top off infront of her and although I tried to do it when she wasnt looking, she made sure she watched me and started commenting on my figure...she was trying to make me feel good by making positive comments but I could not have felt worse!
THEN she tried on THE DRESS...the one dress that i my goal dress, I have never worn it before and she put it on and was drowning in the material! I felt like a dagger had gone through my heart.
I need to lose all this weight to prove to her that I too can fit into those clothes, I need to get to a size 8, I want to be able to try her clothes on and know that feeling you get when you pull the zipper on a tiny dress right up to the top!!
After all this drama I stupidly showed her my pro-ana scrapbook of thinspo pics....I've let her in too much and now feel VERY vulnerable!
Wednesday, 27 April 2011
OMFG!!!!
Okay, the lack of computer is really starting to get to me!! I unfortuntely lost my job 2 weeks ago and so whilst my brther is at college I can use his laptop :). I am so sorry for how long I have been away, I doubt anyone would have noticed to be honest as its been so long! lol.
SO....Easter came and went, I hope you were all alot stronger than me. I am welling up as I write this as I am in so much pain right now. Since i lost the job I have been feeling really down about not having money etc, and my mum had bought so much food that literlly everyday turned into a binge, I was hideously uncontrollable, it was asthough Mia was seeking revenge on Ana for all her hard work at keeping my weiht down. Then Easter came, I have never consumed so much chocolate in all my life, it was sickening, please dont judge me too much, i know i should be ashamed of myself! The reason I am in pain is because, firstly it is summer now...the days are getting hot and I cant fit into any of my clothes from last summer, I hate the thought of getting my flesh on display. I went to a theme park last weekend in jeans and a tshirt and it was a really sunny day, there were pretty and THIN girls everywhere i turned, they were all in shorts and crop tops and then there was me, frumpy and fat.
The second reason i am in pain is because I have taking 7 laxatives in a bid to punish myself for all the binges. ive had a few realeases already but the pains should have stopped 4 hours ago!! Serves me right I guess for being a pig.
Right now I have 2 things to worry about. First of all I only have a couple of days until I see my boyfriend again, I need to be thinner by then or else neither he or I will think i am the least bit attractive. Secondly, I am going on holiday in 10 days...enough said.
So I have devised a quick fix plan which I am really hoping will work. I am having 2 diet shakes tomorrow and 1 whey protein shake. the next day will be 1 litre of orange juice and the next 8 days I shall be water fasting and also drinking green tea. What do you think?
Sorry about the way I have written this, I'm just panicking so much right now. Love you all and hope you are all very well xxxx
SO....Easter came and went, I hope you were all alot stronger than me. I am welling up as I write this as I am in so much pain right now. Since i lost the job I have been feeling really down about not having money etc, and my mum had bought so much food that literlly everyday turned into a binge, I was hideously uncontrollable, it was asthough Mia was seeking revenge on Ana for all her hard work at keeping my weiht down. Then Easter came, I have never consumed so much chocolate in all my life, it was sickening, please dont judge me too much, i know i should be ashamed of myself! The reason I am in pain is because, firstly it is summer now...the days are getting hot and I cant fit into any of my clothes from last summer, I hate the thought of getting my flesh on display. I went to a theme park last weekend in jeans and a tshirt and it was a really sunny day, there were pretty and THIN girls everywhere i turned, they were all in shorts and crop tops and then there was me, frumpy and fat.
The second reason i am in pain is because I have taking 7 laxatives in a bid to punish myself for all the binges. ive had a few realeases already but the pains should have stopped 4 hours ago!! Serves me right I guess for being a pig.
Right now I have 2 things to worry about. First of all I only have a couple of days until I see my boyfriend again, I need to be thinner by then or else neither he or I will think i am the least bit attractive. Secondly, I am going on holiday in 10 days...enough said.
So I have devised a quick fix plan which I am really hoping will work. I am having 2 diet shakes tomorrow and 1 whey protein shake. the next day will be 1 litre of orange juice and the next 8 days I shall be water fasting and also drinking green tea. What do you think?
Sorry about the way I have written this, I'm just panicking so much right now. Love you all and hope you are all very well xxxx
Thursday, 24 February 2011
Ode to a calorie
Today is a good day, despite feeling weak.
I have taken 7 doses of lax within the past 24 hours which has made my stomach a little flatter…without getting too graphic, I am literally empty! Haha.
I had a small apple this morning and have been sipping on water for the rest of the morning. Getting quite weak and hungry now that its lunchtime and I can smell the curry my colleague is cooking in the office kitchen, I can almost taste it!
I don’t want to get any lunch as I have a date on Saturday and will be going to my Aunts birthday party straight after it, so I want my stomach to look as flat as I can possibly manage within 2 days. But you know what, I might go and get some soup from Pret. Today they are doing chicken and mushroom which is 269 calories which would make my calorie intake 335 in total. Then just under 400 if I have something when I get home tonight, but I might not bother. So 335 is good right? :)
How are all of you? Hope you are all having good days too.
Much love xx
I have taken 7 doses of lax within the past 24 hours which has made my stomach a little flatter…without getting too graphic, I am literally empty! Haha.
I had a small apple this morning and have been sipping on water for the rest of the morning. Getting quite weak and hungry now that its lunchtime and I can smell the curry my colleague is cooking in the office kitchen, I can almost taste it!
I don’t want to get any lunch as I have a date on Saturday and will be going to my Aunts birthday party straight after it, so I want my stomach to look as flat as I can possibly manage within 2 days. But you know what, I might go and get some soup from Pret. Today they are doing chicken and mushroom which is 269 calories which would make my calorie intake 335 in total. Then just under 400 if I have something when I get home tonight, but I might not bother. So 335 is good right? :)
How are all of you? Hope you are all having good days too.
Much love xx
Wednesday, 23 February 2011
IM BACK!!! :)
Hi girlies! :)
I am sooo sorry I havnt written anything in ages! Ive had had a pretty crazy time since my last entry. Hope you have all been well and staying strong?
I lost ALOT of weight before Christmas, the fast went very badly much I managed to dodge quite a few mealtimes, the end result was 13lbs over two weeks and I fit into a party dress I hadn’t been able to wear for 2 years!
However all the good work has been undone as Christmas hit hard and I made a fatal error in the health store this week :(
So over Christmas my original plan was to eat as little as I could get away with. But my family loaded up my plate and encouraged me to eat so much that I felt as though I was actually going to spontaneously combust! Then came Boxing Day and New Years…the food was never ending!
I got myself back on track and was taking more lax than ever before during January, lost a fair amount but my binging hindered my success. So far in February my weight has stayed constant as I have been working out more (muscle weighs more than fat) and then the health food situation. Basically I went into Holland & Barratt to buy some Whey protein so that when I cut down completely on food I can try and get my body to burn fat and carbs rather than muscle mass.
…unfortunately the guy in the shop gave me Progain instead, which is what body builders use to bulk up and put on weight. MAJOR mean girls moment!
I actually screamed when I realized I had put on weight, you would not believe how much I have bloated up because of it, im feeling so distressed!!!
So I fixed the problem by getting it swapped for whey protein (scrutinized the label this time). One scoop of it mixed with water is 98 calories.
So my NEW plan is:
Breakfast: 30g of special K cereal (178 cals)
Lunch: Apple (66 cals)
Dinner: ½ can of tuna with a little soy sauce (60cals)
Snack after workout: whey protein shake (98 cals)
Total daily intake: 402 calories
But…
Before I do that ‘sensible’ plan, I need a harsh kick start as I promised myself I would lose weight for my birthday, which is in 6 days! I’ve had a series of set backs lately so practically need to starve myself in order to achieve some kind of result. But as I don’t want to completely cut off my digestive system I have decided to load up on apples, iceberg lettuce, celery and tuna (got a thing about getting good skin from fish atm!). I will also be abusing the lax despite the fact I want to stop taking them. But desperate times call for desperate measures!
I know it probably sounds like I’m getting sucked into it all more than ever but I really do want to break this cycle. I am consumed (excuse the pun) by this disorder and will go to any lengths to gain control of this aspect of my life and achieve the impossible with my figure. But I also want to be happy, and to socialize normally with those around me, and most of all to eat a meal without freaking out or purging afterwards.
I know it will be a long process and so I have already taken the first step. I went to the doctor and told him I thought I had depression, I have been referred to a therapist for 8 sessions (one session a fortnight) and I had my first one last night.
It wasn’t how I expected it to be, to be honest I was expecting the stereotypical couch and shrink asking how you feel every 5 minutes haha. But I had a lovely Swedish woman talking to me one on one, everything was confidential and she wanted me to start from the beginning and just…talk! I am allowed to talk about absolutely anything about myself and the people I know and she will analyze me from the things I say.
I talked about my ED but as she isn’t experienced in that field she will refer me to an ED specialist who will then give me treatment or therapy to get me into recovery. Its going to be extremely difficult and a long process but eventually…I think I want that.
But for now my aim is weight loss, weight loss and weight loss!!!
I am sooo sorry I havnt written anything in ages! Ive had had a pretty crazy time since my last entry. Hope you have all been well and staying strong?
I lost ALOT of weight before Christmas, the fast went very badly much I managed to dodge quite a few mealtimes, the end result was 13lbs over two weeks and I fit into a party dress I hadn’t been able to wear for 2 years!
However all the good work has been undone as Christmas hit hard and I made a fatal error in the health store this week :(
So over Christmas my original plan was to eat as little as I could get away with. But my family loaded up my plate and encouraged me to eat so much that I felt as though I was actually going to spontaneously combust! Then came Boxing Day and New Years…the food was never ending!
I got myself back on track and was taking more lax than ever before during January, lost a fair amount but my binging hindered my success. So far in February my weight has stayed constant as I have been working out more (muscle weighs more than fat) and then the health food situation. Basically I went into Holland & Barratt to buy some Whey protein so that when I cut down completely on food I can try and get my body to burn fat and carbs rather than muscle mass.
…unfortunately the guy in the shop gave me Progain instead, which is what body builders use to bulk up and put on weight. MAJOR mean girls moment!
I actually screamed when I realized I had put on weight, you would not believe how much I have bloated up because of it, im feeling so distressed!!!
So I fixed the problem by getting it swapped for whey protein (scrutinized the label this time). One scoop of it mixed with water is 98 calories.
So my NEW plan is:
Breakfast: 30g of special K cereal (178 cals)
Lunch: Apple (66 cals)
Dinner: ½ can of tuna with a little soy sauce (60cals)
Snack after workout: whey protein shake (98 cals)
Total daily intake: 402 calories
But…
Before I do that ‘sensible’ plan, I need a harsh kick start as I promised myself I would lose weight for my birthday, which is in 6 days! I’ve had a series of set backs lately so practically need to starve myself in order to achieve some kind of result. But as I don’t want to completely cut off my digestive system I have decided to load up on apples, iceberg lettuce, celery and tuna (got a thing about getting good skin from fish atm!). I will also be abusing the lax despite the fact I want to stop taking them. But desperate times call for desperate measures!
I know it probably sounds like I’m getting sucked into it all more than ever but I really do want to break this cycle. I am consumed (excuse the pun) by this disorder and will go to any lengths to gain control of this aspect of my life and achieve the impossible with my figure. But I also want to be happy, and to socialize normally with those around me, and most of all to eat a meal without freaking out or purging afterwards.
I know it will be a long process and so I have already taken the first step. I went to the doctor and told him I thought I had depression, I have been referred to a therapist for 8 sessions (one session a fortnight) and I had my first one last night.
It wasn’t how I expected it to be, to be honest I was expecting the stereotypical couch and shrink asking how you feel every 5 minutes haha. But I had a lovely Swedish woman talking to me one on one, everything was confidential and she wanted me to start from the beginning and just…talk! I am allowed to talk about absolutely anything about myself and the people I know and she will analyze me from the things I say.
I talked about my ED but as she isn’t experienced in that field she will refer me to an ED specialist who will then give me treatment or therapy to get me into recovery. Its going to be extremely difficult and a long process but eventually…I think I want that.
But for now my aim is weight loss, weight loss and weight loss!!!
Monday, 22 November 2010
The beginning of the end or end of the beginning?
My fast has been delayed by NINE days now. Have to have yet another meal with my dad and his girlfriend and then tomorrow they are off to Nigeria
Enough is enough!
From now on I am being completely selfish and doing things MY way for once. I refuse to play by the rules any longer. I have always been rebellious and now here it comes again, fuck you world and fuck you food!
I’m sorry; I’m just in such a bad mood at the moment. Both friends and family have pissed me off lately. And to make matters worse I can’t stop thinking about my ex. Surely I should be waaay over him by now? But I’m seeing him in January so I need to lose weight in time; I want him to see what he’s missing. I have the perfect dress to wear but its 2 sizes too small; I must fit into this in time for meeting him!
My friends are annoying me a bit; one of them doesn’t seem to have time for me anymore and I need them more than ever. And the other is letting their feelings get in the way of the friendship. And my family are just being callous atm.
At least….I am being ignored enough to get on with my plan. I will finally embark on an 8 day water fast and will lose approximately 16lbs by 5th December.
It’s on.
Friday, 19 November 2010
Sometimes...food REALLY sucks!
Hi Girlies,
Sorry I haven’t written for a few days, I have been really ill :,(
I went out for a meal with my brother, dad and dads girlfriend on Tuesday evening (which thank God was the third and final meal out this week!) and ate as normally as the others. Prepare to be amazed….for starters I had calamari, for main I had grilled salmon with rice and then for DESSERT I had this Oreo cheesecake thing. *heart attack*
Wednesday I woke up and felt literally sick to my stomach, I rarely feel sick so I find it horrible and confusing! I decided to carry on getting ready and go to work as usual but I just got worse as the day went on, in the end I went home early. I was being sick, had a migraine and generally felt weak. The only thing I could put it down to is food poisoning from the calamari or salmon or possibly exhaustion from the long hours I’ve done lately :S
Serves me right for being a pig huh?
I was off ill yesterday as well and even collapsed in the middle of the supermarket when I ventured out for fresh air and supplies. I say collapsed….what I really mean is embarrassingly falling over due to being too weak to hold the basket haha. I literally put some bottles of juice in then went sideways onto the floor *cringe*.
Luckily I am feeling well again today and its FRIDAYYY :D :D :D so its allll good.
I have re-started the fast already. For breakfast I had some melon and a glass of fruit juice, apple as a mid morning snack and a tropical fruit salad for lunch with another glass of juice. Then this evening when I get home I have a childrens snack pack of carrot sticks, those cute baby carrots ^_^.
Munch munch munch, ugh.
Over the weekend I will be juicing in preparation for a gruelling water fast next week :/ I was meant to be detoxing until a week before Christmas so that I could wean myself back onto food in time for the dinner on Christmas day but now a spanner has been thrown into the works as my office is having a Christmas meal on the 16th of December. I will have to do a very short detox, eat as lightly as possible and then be careful in the run up to Christmas day. If I am not careful my body will either reject the food or I will gain all the weight I would have lost. Godddd!
The best thing for me to do is not get so wound up about this situation and to embrace it, It’s been a while since I had a good challenge and so here goes. Positivity is key; it’s my new thing, try to stay positive and see the good in every bad situation. Otherwise we’re all just gonna feel down…and that’s not cool!
Think happy thoughts and stay strong, love you all <3
Monday, 15 November 2010
Tantrums, binges and issues
By some miracle I have lost another 2lbs!
I had a mega freak out this weekend. My dad told me we were going to my granddads on Sunday and going out for a meal and also a meal on Tuesday as a bon voyage before he goes to Nigeria
One side of me is thinking rationally and knows the sentimental value of these meals and being with family, but the ED side of me almost had a heart attack. There is no way of knowing exactly what is in restaurant food!
My mum started shouting at me Saturday and said “you have an eating disorder don’t you? DON’T YOU? To go into frenzy at the thought of eating a meal…you need to go see a doctor, you have issues”
What the fuck?!
She never bothered when I was at my lowest weight and when I plucked up the courage to tell her I was bulimic that time she just acted as though I never told her anything. Why now when I am at pretty much my highest weight does she have a go at me?
Plus, I don’t respond to shouting. If you want to help me, give me advice or get me to do anything…the worst thing you can do is shout. I don’t deal with authority very well; I’m too independent and feisty to listen to raised voices.
How have your loved ones responded to your dietary changes?
Anyways, yesterday a t the restaurant I found the lowest cal meal was a tuna steak with salad and jacket potato. On the menu it said it was under 500 cals (which usually means 499 or 498 lol). It was really boring and dry but at least I didn’t have anything toooo bad. Tonight and tomorrow I will have grilled chicken or fish or a green salad…see what I can get away with!
Then on Wednesday I will be starting the fast all over again, hopefully no obstacles will get in my way until Christmas. It will be easier to dodge eating with my dad away on his trip.
Wednesday I will have raw fruit and veg. Thursday I will have juice and smoothies. Friday I will have just juice. Saturday I will have diluted juice, I am supposed to be going to the pub with my friends but will be having sparkling water or lime and tonic.
So yes the exciting news is that I have reached another weight goal – 156. But I think that it will creep up with all this food, I have found that drinking A LOT of water especially before bed make my tummy flatter the next day…so perhaps I am flushing a lot of it out? :S
Here is the most recent pic of me...I know its gross but I definately noticed I was a tad smaller. I also have loosened up by just under 2 inches on my waist :D
I must focus on whats important; pleasing my family and looking ahead at the fast to come. Must be strong and stay positive :)
How is everyone else today, did you have good weekends? xx
Friday, 12 November 2010
I feel so damn unpretty
I am feeling rather strange today; on the one hand I feel really happy because IT’S FRIDAAAAY!!! And on the other hand I feel really low as I broke fast last night and binged. I had a Mars Bar and also this random bean/spaghetti thing. I don’t know what possessed me to do it, maybe just out of habit to eat at that time of night?
I paid the price for it, I took 3 lax after which gave me EPIC stomach pains this morning, I almost doubled over on the train this morning where it hurt so much.
Btw, I got a message yesterday asking which lax I use and wondered why I took so little at a time. I use Dulcolax as its so much stronger than senna based products, trust me, you don’t wanna be taking 20 of these bad boys!!!
I think this morning put me off of using them for a while, the pain was so bad. I’m back on the fast today, instead of started all over and spending a few days preparing with fruit and juice, I just had some melon for breakfast and then straight onto juice and water. I will have diluted apple juice tomorrow then stick to the plan of starting the water fast on Sunday. I really need to get this first 10lbs off as soon as biologically possible!
I started drinking Skinny water again, I love the flavour! It has chromium in which speeds up the metabolism, its gone down in price now to about 99p. You can order in bulk over the internet too :)
This morning I really felt the effects of my long week at work on this diet. And I really bloated out from the binge. Thought I’d share just how gross I am today so that you have something to compare me too when I start shifting more weight.
Here is me looking like the living dead, so not a good pic but just shows how fasting ZAPS your energy! Not to mention make you look pale haha, I need spray tan stat! Gotta love the kermit jumper
And this is my disgusting post-binge, bloated, shapeless body:
Does anyone else go out of control and binge when things get too much? How do you deal with it? x
Thursday, 11 November 2010
The saviour that is LAX
And so my darlings my fast is well and truly underway :D
I have one litre (or one quart to the American beauty’s reading =P) of Tesco Apple and Mango juice, its not from concentrate and is 520 cals for the bottle…its a lot for juice, but I will be flushing most of it out and as I didn’t get any sleep last night and the fact its icy cold today, my body will burn most of it off for energy…so its all good ^_^
Can you believe this? I started work at 10am yesterday (I was supposed to start at 8 but the trains were crazy) and didn’t finish until 10.30pm!!!
Let me tell you, London
I really noticed the 3lb weight loss this morning, I have a pair of jeggings (stretch pants that look like skinny jeans) and they are usually skin tight and cling to all the lumps and bumps, but this morning they were slightly baggy. Its typical isn’t it, when you want to lose the weight off your belly first, it decides to come off the legs! Well..its a start :)
I really want to go for a power walk tonight but as the weather is crazy I'll have to stick to doing squats and lunges in my room, tone up the ass. I have really let myself go latetly on the exercise front, don't you just hate that feeling when you lose muscle tone and feel a little flabby, ugh its gross.
I think perhaps if the weather calms down next week i will ditch the car and walk to the station, its about 30 mins at a good pace so will be burning about 350cals a day! I will take my pedometer and give you the right stats for that walk.
One of my colleagues tried getting me to eat a chicken and cheese sandwich earlier, in the end she said "come on atleast take just one bite!" So I gave in to shut her up and used one of my old tricks from 2 years ago. I took a bite and started chewing then stopped as if I had swallowed. Then, as I was clutching a mug (I had some green tea beforehand), I pretending to take a sip - subtly spitting out the food into the cup. I made it look so effortless, was so proud of myself haha.
I am feeling so full from this juice! I am so looking forward to Sat/Sun when the water fasting starts, crazy exited - i must be mad! Also, after a couple of days not taking lax i decided to take them again just for today and tomorrow, have had 3 so far and REALLY feeling it this time but it will pass in 2 more hours. After thats all over and done with i will take 2 more just to shed some water weight, then in the morning I will like what I see a teensy bit more and will feel a bit mroe comfortable getting ready for work. I am sick and tired of the whole getting dressed situation! My clothes are either ridiculously small for me or just bleh! My favorite item of clothing at the moment is a blue oversized check shirt...it hides everything!! Thank God its winter, you can cover up! I am hoping to reach my goal weight by January/February so by the time the spring/Summer clothes come out I will hopefully be able to wear them for once!
I really want to get off the lax but think i really need them for a while longer, its what i used to wean myself off of Adderall quite a while ago...and now I need to wean myself off of them too. Maybe I have an addictive personality? Lol
How's everyone else doing? x
Wednesday, 10 November 2010
3lbs down!
I feel great today. I have lost 3lbs in 2 days, its cold so I’m burning calories shivering, my mum noticed I had lost weight and because the tubes were part suspended today I had to walk for 40 minutes along the bank of the river Thames to get to my office. I wish I had taken my pedometer with me today, I think I must have burnt roughly 250 calories :D
The fast is going quite well so far, I had some porridge this morning as I had zero energy from the walk, I made a cupful with some hot water and added some red berry compote. I wanted to take some lax after but as I had left them at home just downed a load of water. For lunch I had half a carton of tomato soup, I managed to find one in Tesco that DIDN’T have cream in! I have also had a glass of orange juice out of my litre/quart bottle. So far I have had 301 calories, I’m going no higher than 500 today. I have found a new soup in Pret A Manger that’s 148 (celeriac mash), a group of us from the office are going out for lunch and I am dreading it! If I happen to buy the soup I will pour half of it down the sink. But I will try my best to avoid eating it.
I really cannot wait until the end of the week when I start my water fast; the weight is just going to fall off!!! I am a bit anxious over how badly it will affect my mood and energy levels but at the end of the day it’s about the big picture.
I went to the shops this afternoon and had a browse through Topshop and New Look, it distracted me from all the fast food joints, and I’ve seen some amazing skinny jeans…major thinspiration!
The money I would usually spend on lunches has been saved up to a nice amount, so as a treat for losing 3lbs so fast I bought myself some make-up. At least my face can look nice while the rest of my body catches up!
Also, I only created this blog yesterday and already have 28 views and 1 follower, thank you so much for taking the time to read :) <3
Feel free to message me if you fancy a bit of a natter xx
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